Road Trip on Route 666
by Twi Twinnie Productions
Summary: They were supposed to be on an epic road trip before college, how does one chance meeting at a desert festival completely change it all. Sex, blood and rock and roll? AU canon couples eventually. A Nostalgicmiss & Miztrezboo Colab.
1. Kombi Vans and Caravans

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, but Emmett's CCCoD Belongs to Boo and Jazzilla belongs to Weezy. Lets face it, Steph didn't write about what's in their pants so they kinda belong to us.**

**So for further warning…  
Don't drink liquids while reading, may end up on screen...**

**Pee before you read...**

**Sit back, relax, put the kiddies in front of Ben10 or Hannah Montana.. and ...**

***EPIC TRUMPET FANFARE***

***Flourishing bow and wave as we sidestep off stage....*.**

**~-~-~*~-~-~**

"Mama, we all go to hell.  
Mama, we all go to hell.  
It's really quite pleasant  
Except for the smell,  
Mama, we all go to hell"

_**MCR – WE SALUTE YOU! SHAAAWIIING!**_

_**~-~-~*~-~-~**_

**KOMBI VANS AND CARAVANS**

It was so fucking hot.

I think I could actually see the rubber in the yellow soles of my Doc Martens melting.

Was that physically possible?

Freaking Emmett and his love of outdoor festivals.

Why oh why I had agreed to take the year between high school and college off to tramp around in his bad excuse for the Partridge Family bus all across the country is beyond me.

Then his arm snaked around my waist, his calloused fingertips grazing the soft skin of my stomach, toying with the tiny gold hoop that I had pierced through my navel. The simple, tiny action he _knew_ set my body on fire like some invisible string linking the cold metal to that sweet spot between my legs.

Fucker.

I pinched the swell of flesh that always seems to hang over the top of his too tight shorts that he refuses to throw away, even though they haven't fit him since the ninth grade. That'll teach him for eating that extra breakfast roll I made this morning hoping to eat myself once we got settled in the camping area.

"Isabella, don't start something you know you won't be able to finish."

"Emmett, you should know by now that I always pull through," I laughed, squeezing a little harder. "And before you start that shit again, you started this round, babe."

His lips brushed against my neck, his tongue darting out to taste the salt of the sweat that was currently beading over my body. I tried to fight the urge of closing my eyes and losing myself in the need for him. The bastard knows how to get me hot, but this time I wanted to play a little. I was too hot to follow through, but maybe I could tease him long enough to get us both somewhere cool.

I dodged out from his grip, the gentle coolness from the small amount of air I stirred up felt good on my damp skin.

"Where are you going?"

"To get wet," I laughed again, the playful tenor of my statement hanging in the air between us like sex and chocolate. Sticky and exciting.

"I like the sound of that," he answered, his eyebrows wiggling playfully as he stepped towards me. Still in the game I stepped back and out of his range, his arms swung like the ogre in the first Harry Potter movie. The only difference was, my ogre is fuck hot and wants to eat all the right places.

"I love it when you play dirty. Where are you taking me this time?"

I giggled a little, and my tongue ran across my dry bottom lip. I could feel the heat of the sun drying the damp skin almost instantaneously.

"Who said anything about you coming, Em?"

"Oh I will be, with or without you."

I rolled my eyes, there's no way he's going to take care of himself... unless he lets me watch.

I didn't even bother to comment as I led us out of the throng of people, the air so humid with their combined sweat and the oppressive midday sun shining down on us that I craved anywhere cool. Anywhere that has shade that isn't in the form of my boyfriends overly large shadow. Even Emmett's pretty decent attempts at blocking out the sun weren't helping now that it was directly overhead.

I felt his fingertips slide against mine as my arm swung backward, almost unconsciously reaching for him in a movement I hardly noticed because it was just so natural between us. His fingers locked over mine, barely grazing my palm as he happily let me lead us out of the swaying throng.

I moved to a beat out of tempo with the loud bass of some indie band attempting a new version of NIN's classic Closer. Even though it was a half decent attempt, it was still enough to wind me up a little further, wondering what I could possibly talk Emmett into once I found the place I was looking for. Finally, we were out of the crowd and I coughed a little at the dust the people moving around the outer edge of the main stage were kicking up.

Why did he have to pick this particular festival in the middle of July and in a completely desolate desert no less? I should have exercised my veto here instead of when he wanted to follow some band that he had a few drinks with after an impromptu concert one night in LA. Who would ever take a band seriously when their name involved a primate having sex in an uncomfortable place? And I didn't mean in the back of a Volkswagen...

"Babe," he whined behind me as I continued to pull us along in the opposite direction to those moving around us.

"Yes?"

"How much further?"

I wanted to slap my head, this was the same question he'd asked me the entire time, and the ONLY time I'd been able to drive us anywhere in Doris (yes he did name it after the bus in Almost Famous.. and he made me act out the part of Tiny Dancer nearly ten times a day.. and I did it because, well I loved him and it kept him happy).

"Not much."

I think. I answered more to myself than him, knowing if I mentioned that I wasn't _exactly_ sure where this oasis I'd heard about the night before when we were sharing tofu burgers with this slightly hippy and much older than us couple, he wouldn't be happy. But, Carlisle and Esme were adamant that it was here, and that not many people knew about it, and they had been coming here since, well in Carlisle's words "since the dawn of time". Then again, I wasn't completely sure I could trust them after Em passed out from inhaling five "extra sugar" brownies that Esme _had _warned him to share half of one with me. He never could resist chocolate...

I pushed through some more of the dry trees, the branches brittle as I brushed past them, not even conscious of where they were hitting Emmett following behind me. I could feel him closing in on me, closing the gap as the branches slapped his slightly less than toned stomach. I was always up for some foreplay.

Seeing the particularly large branch jutting out ahead of us, I almost laughed as he pulled me back against him, his hand releasing mine as his arms closed around my waist. The laugh died off as I felt his dick pressing into the small of my back.

"You're ready to play then?" I purred, bending my knees a little and letting my body rub up and down his engorged rod of power as he liked to refer to it.

"You bet your tight little ass I am," he growled in my ear, pushing both of our bodies forward making his presence all the more prevalent against my spine.

"Good, because once I'm cooled the fuck down, I wanna play."

"Where in the name of hell are we going to cool down on a day like today?" he snorted into my ear, his tongue running the length of the shell as he practically purred against me.

"Let's just say making friends can be useful."

His kissed up the column of my neck and nuzzled against the damp skin at the nape of my throat. I tried to keep in the small moan of need and pushed forward, moving away from his hot breath on my hot skin. Getting caught fucking like bunnies in the bush wasn't going to help us, we needed a little more cover, a little more privacy so I could scream my lungs out, just like I liked to.

We motored on, our feet stomping through the the trees and bushes as we continued our trek. I was so desperate for relief I could almost smell the water now. The damp earth that I knew would surround the small body of water.

I almost groaned aloud as I visualized my body submerging under the satin surface of the water. The feel of Emmett's cooled down hands slipping across my wet skin. Fuck, I wasn't just hot, I was horny too.

"Damn, Bella, where the hell are you taking us?"

I pushed forward a little further without answering and soon felt the cool spot on my back, the very spot that had just been vacated by Emmett. I knew he'd stop, any physical exertion other than sex and he would pout like a petulant child.

There were some low hanging branches ahead with some mossy plants hanging from their limbs, I moved ahead cautiously and pushed them out of my way. Beyond that was the golden land. The sun seemed to penetrate the canopy very little here, only dancing from the small movements of the water as it lapped against the edges.

I had never seen anything more beautiful or inviting in all of my life. I longed to feel it against my body and there was no doubt I would. I just had to coax the big guy out of the bushes, and I had just the trick for that too.

I peeled each wet layer off my damp body and hung it up on a tree so they could dry off, I took off everything. It was exhilarating standing in nature the same way I had come into the world, and for one brief glimpse I could see the appeal of being a nudist. The freedom, the coolness against my hot damp body. In this very moment it just seemed to make sense.

"Bella? Where the hell are you?"

"Here," I called out coyly, well I was going for coy but I'm pretty sure it just came out like a school yard taunt.

Here, now that we were in the quiet of this lonely patch of woods, I could hear the harumph and smashing of what was probably some type of small bush in his annoyance.

"Ha, ha fucking ha. Now really, where are you?"

Hmm, now I could play this the nice, loving girlfriend way and get him out here with a few directions and let the commencement of cold water and good slow loving begin.

Or I could just be me and taunt the fucker out so he'd be so pissed off he'd give it to me fast and hard and then with all the adrenaline pumping around his body, he'd be ready and raring to go at least twice more after that.

_Gotta love his Duracell Bunny ability to go on and on and on and on..._

"I told you babe, I'm here." I looked around the edge of - what really could only be described as somewhat of a magical grotto shaped by the lords of fantasy novels somewhere - and found a large boulder that would hopefully be sufficiently large enough to hide my curled up body behind.

"And naked."

_That should be more than enough incentive to move his ass._

More crashing and smashing of undergrowth and a loud thwacking noise followed by some extremely colorful cursing let me know he was on the move. Then again, when Emmett moved, the world moved with him... or was sufficiently crushed under his giant form.

_Me Emmett, me smash, me crush. RAWR :: insert beating of chest much like that of King Kong::_

A few more minutes and my thighs were starting to ache from the position I'd put myself in. Really, how could he not have found the pond by now? I hadn't left him too far in the thicker part of the woodland.

And it was now, quiet.

Too quiet.

How had I not noticed the lull in the atmosphere? The little creatures that inhabited this magical space were suddenly loud in my ears.

"Emmett?"

Nothing. Even the bugs whining about my head previously had somehow disappeared.

"Listen fucker, I know you get a kick out of watching those scary ass slasher films but this isn't funny. You know I hate them."

A shiver ran up and down my spine and my skin broke out in goosebumps at the sound of a branch or lone twig snapping off to the right of me.

"Emmett Dale McCarty. This is not funny any more." Even I can hear the tremble in my voice as I rub my hands vigorously up and down my arms. The heat I was previously complaining of would be welcome right about now.

Then again so would my clothes, which are hanging in a tree far too far away for me to feel brave enough to run to through the one tiny bare patch of grass before the safe seclusion of more shrubbery. Another twig snaps and a fucking bird noisily takes off from a tree behind me, making me spin around in another circle, losing my balance and catching myself awkwardly on the soft, mossy earth below.

"I swear to god if you don't get your ass out here by the time I count to ten you can forget about any road head for the rest of our trip," I try in my sternest tone possible, although I'm physically shaking and my ankle is throbbing from the weird angle I fell at. "I mean it Em! And that thing you wanted to do special on your birthday that I promised you we could try? Not gonna happen."

It was now so quiet I could hear my blood rushing past my ears, the thudding of my accelerated heartbeat crashing against the inside of my chest so hard I actually had to press my palm over my heart in hopes to contain it. I pushed myself up from the ground and scanned the treeline, wishing his stupid fat ass would make some type of appearance and both cursing the next time I saw him as well as praying it would be soon. I opened my mouth to yell at him some more when I felt this... presence at my back. I turned around slowly as each individual strand of hair on the back of my neck pointed skyward one by one.

"Emmett?"

If this was him behind me, he'd better be prepared for my wrath. If. The thought terrified me.

"Emmett?" I could hear the skepticism in my voice now. I turned my body just enough to see the motherfucker grinning like the Cheshire cat behind me.

"You cock sucking bitch. You are so motherfucking cut off that I am buying me a bunny for the duration," I growled, my arms covering my bare chest.

Emmett laughed and stepped forward, his arms reaching out to encircle my waist. "Come on, Babe. That was funny as hell. Don't be like that."

"Don't be like what?" I snapped. Without thinking about it, my foot flicked out and made contact with his shin. The pain shot up my foot as I cursed up a storm, I'd evidently broken a few toes as well as making the ache in my ankle more prevalent. Not my greatest plan, but fuck I was pissed off, and watching him hop around naked was perhaps the single most entertaining sight to come out of this. It was also kinda hot.

"Why the fuck did you do that?" he asked, his leg pulled up as he rubbed his hand furiously against his shin, his dick was semi hard and swaying with his movements. I tried not to stare, but my god the guy was hung.

I forced myself to push back the lust that was now coursing through my veins, and focus on the small amount of anger that was diminishing faster than it had arisen.

"Because you scared the shit out of me, Em. How many times do I have to ask you _NOT_ to do that before you actually listen?"

The big oaf shrugged at me. He hated it when I got upset, I wasn't usually this irritable either. Camping out and this heat was turning me into a grade A bitch. Lucky for him his pout always worked.

I groaned as the anger dissipated, leaving me hot and horny and ready for the coolness that the water was sure to provide. The naked form of my boyfriend pouting before me was the only thing that stood between me and the cool body of water now.

"I'm sorry, babe," I sighed, stepping froward, my hands running up over his chest and around his neck. "You know how grumpy I get when I'm hot."

His hands gripped onto my hips gently as he pulled me against his body, his face nuzzling into my neck a little as his hot breaths swept over my shoulder. His rough hands squeezed slightly, before roaming over my back and down to my ass.

"How about we cool you off then?" he asked, a hint of mischief in his tone.

With that, he ducked low, his hands gripped my thighs and hoisted me up his body until my legs wrapped around his waist and his dick rubbed against my thigh. He stomped toward the water as my finger pressed into his shoulder.

"Don't you dare, Emmett."

"Dare?" he laughed, his dimpled grin making its appearance. Why couldn't I resist this man? Why did he always manage to get his way? I locked my ankles behind his back and rolled my hips against him making him stop and growl.

"Yes," I whispered, in what I hoped was a seductive voice. "As in don't do it, I know how your mind works."

"Then you know," he said kissing the soft skin behind my ear and taking yet more steps forward. He was practically to his knees in the water now. "That I consider this foreplay."

With that, he fell backward into the unbelievably clear and fucking ice cold waters with the loudest splash I'm sure the grotto had ever been witness to.

I didn't even have time to squeal or hit him in protest. It was all I could do to tighten my grip around his body like some type of venus fly trap and he was the unsuspecting - although in this case, fully aware - fly. I broke the water first, my legs still wrapped tightly around his waist most likely cutting off the blood flow to his nether regions. _Not like he'd be needing to use anything down there again_.

It took a few moments of my spluttering and snorting the water from my ears, nose and mouth before I realized the bubbles and strange rocking motion from underneath me was actually Emmett. I quickly lifted my hands from where they'd accidentally held him hostage under the water at his shoulders. His sudden release triggered my body flipping backward off his hips and once again I was under water, arms flailing as I rose back to the surface.

I gulped oxygen like a fish out of water as I floundered for some type of footing. It appeared in the middle of this perfect pleasure pond, there was a mighty big drop to nothingness. After shaking my head from one side to the other, clearing the water from my ears I realized he was... laughing?

_That mother chucker._

I pulled and scraped the wet tendrils of hair that now covered my face and attempted to tread water and glare at his stupid cute dimpled face as his guffaws filled the once peaceful area.

Trust Emmett to take something unbelievably serene and turn it into a Forth of July kegger party.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" I lifted one arm and smacked the water in his direction, aiming well and hitting him directly in the face.

He wiped the excess droplets from his eyes, his smile only widening like the water I just splashed him with was akin to a powder puff dusting his skin.

"Emmett!"

He snorted, swimming that little bit closer as I swam that little bit further away from him. If he thought after all that had gone on already since we got here that he was actually going to be _touching_ any of my fine ass, he was more than assuredly wrong. If he was lucky, by Thanksgiving I might have forgiven him.

_If_ he was lucky.

He snorted again, licking his lips slowly, the pointy end of his pink tongue that could take me to heaven and leave me floating amongst the stars moved slowly over his full bottom lip and then twisted carefully to slide over the top.

And fuck me if that move didn't make every inch of my girly bits tingle.

_Stupid body betraying my brain. DON'T GIVE IN YET!_

"What?" I asked shakily, his eyes darkening before me as he continued to swim in carefully judged movements toward me whileI continued journeying back.

"I can see your nipples."

My man was a genius, imagine being able to see a naked woman's nipples. It still made the slow roll of lust move through my body and straight to my clit. The fucker was now throbbing in anticipation of what was to come. Me and my body needed to have a serious discussion at some point, this was simply ridiculous.

"Really?" I asked, sarcasm coating the words as my eyebrows rose.

"Yeah babe, look. Your boobies are bobbing in there."

God love him, I couldn't help myself. My whole body shook with the attempt at holding back my guffaw of laughter, but resistance was futile. It bubbled up my throat and poured from my mouth in small waves of hysterics, it was also making it increasingly difficult to keep my head above water.

"What? It wasn't that funny," he said, watching me curiously as I fought the urge to snort.

I hiccuped and nodded, finally just swimming towards him. "Baby, you really love my tata's don't you?"

His dimpled grin came almost immediately, his eyes lighting up as I swam within his reach. His eyes lingered on my boobs as he pulled me to him. "You have no idea, babe. And in water, when they float, they remind me of our first time in the back of my dad's pickup. They've always been so beautiful."

Our first time. The very thought of it made me want to devour him. He was so gentle, so loving and so fucking big. He had made sure that I wouldn't hurt too bad, he'd made sure to get me off before we even tried, just in case it hurt too much, but even with the pain, I found myself giving over to the pleasure slowly. It made me want to take him here and now.

His hands clasped around my waist and hoisted my up his body so I could wrap my legs around his hips once again. His legs were kicking fiercely beneath us as he kept us afloat. His lips touched against my collar nipping and sucking at the flesh there as he made his way down to his own personal holy land.

I loved it when he worshiped my boobs. He was always tentative and loved to explore the flesh there, he loved to make me react to his touch and taste. He didn't have to do much either. Emmett and I seemed to have a sex drive that connected somewhere in the middle. We played off of one another, we knew how to get reaction and how to bring the other insurmountable amounts of pleasure.

This was no different. Even with our playful moods and antagonism, our animal attraction seemed to pull us together. Thankfully, as wound up as we were, this was sure to get buck wild and very satisfying.

One of Emmett's hands moved to the already tight skin of my nipple, plucking gently to get it harder. His lips and tongue trailed down from my neck to the full flesh of my chest. His tongue swept in circles around the nipple his fingers were squeezing, lapping off the water that had gathered there from being dumped into the water.

His hand disappeared from the skin as his teeth took it's place, the hot air blowing from his nose made my skin break out into the tingling pebbles of goose flesh. His lips closed down around my flesh as his other hand tweaked the neglected peak. I couldn't hold in the gentle moan that spilled from my lips as his tongue flicked the bud. His teeth eventually sunk further into the flesh making my hips buck against him and my head loll on my shoulders.

His lips moved away from my flesh as he gulped in air around my aroused skin. His chest was rising and falling laboriously in perfect synchronization with mine.

"I want you, Bella."

"I want you too, Emmett. I need you."

His huge frame moved slowly toward the small shore of the pond, his body rising from the water as he found the shallower bank. He moved us toward the large boulder, his lips ghosting over my skin as he pushed through the water.

The need was so electric between us. Our hands and lips traveling over the others body as we moved, our slick bodies sliding against one another. The water warming as our bodies heated the droplets that clung to our skin.

I could feel him pressed hard between us and Em sat back to guide my body onto the strangely well shaped, flat boulder that would easily hold my body at the right height for meeting his thrusts (fast and hard or slow and deep, I really didn't care which right now I was _that_ turned on). He licked his lips as my legs fell open on either side of his thighs, he moaned appreciatively and as my gaze followed his down between us I couldn't help but giggle or giggle moan - Gigoan? Moggle? - as his impressive arousal bobbed in the water, the head almost looking snakelike and I couldn't get the image of it coming to life and attacking me. _Would I really say no at this point? ... nope, I was definitely too far gone in my lust induced - my lover is naked and we are wet in one of the most beautiful places ever - trance._

_"_Fuck I love your tits," he sighed and his shoulders rolled up and down with the movement. He had his hungry eyes on, the same eyes that would look either at my body (particularly my marvelous mammaries) and chocolate pudding cups the same way. I think I just about near killed him our last Valentine's Day that we'd spent on the beach in Mexico when I covered my boobalicious breasticles in pudding, dairy whip and a glace cherry right above each nip. He didn't know whether to kiss me or eat me first.

I rolled my eyes and chuckled at his statement that I'd heard far too often in all the time we'd been together to really question any more and chewed on the inside of my bottom lip. My hands reached out to his, entwining our fingers just above the waters edge as I dragged him a little closer.

"I know you do, now before you get too carried away here, and I assure you - we _are_ going to get carried away - you might need to go back to wherever you left your pants because, even if I'm wetter than water surrounding us, there is no love without a glove big boy."

He pouted, the big puppy dog eyes and his thick dark brows joining together in the worlds saddest looking frown. "Really, Babe? You wanna play safety first with me now?" he stepped closer, his bobble head dick grazing my nether lips and my outey clit that was already sensitive from all the grindage before. I gasped, my back arching from the cool stone surface I lay upon and for just one microsecond I considered letting caution to the wind and just ... giving in.

And then I remembered what my cousin's baby looked, sounded and smellled like, and the moment was gone.

"I have two words for you, Epponnee Rae."

He cringed, remembering the ape like being that ended up with all the worse features my cousin Jess and her backwoods boyfriend Mike Newton created together.

That was enough to put _anyone_ off breeding in the near future.

"Fine," he sighed, shaking his head and muttering something under his breath as he swam back across the serene cool waters that glimmered almost like their were shards of emerald suffused in the liquid.

I lay back, letting the cool stone and quiet whisper of a cool breeze play across my skin. I closed my eyes, letting my fingers drift from the water and over the bare skin of my stomach, drawing random patterns and imagining Emmett's fingers doing the same in the few moments it would take him to get back to me. This, as they say, was the life.

Seconds turned to minutes, and I chuckled figuring he had probably forgotten where he left his pants, or was struggling in his aroused state to get his chubby fingers in the tiny back pockets that I kept a spare two or three Trojans in just for these type of "special events". Sighing, I felt my breathing regulate as I swished my feet back and forth in the calming waters and settled in to wait.

.

. .

. . .

. . . .

. . . . .

*_Crash*_

I bolted upright, knocking myself off the boulder and now into the bitter chill of cold waters that had turned from the inviting glittering green to dark and imposing in the short time I thought I had just been resting my eyes in. Apparently, resting and slipping into a nanna nap were the same for me.

I coughed and spluttered and when I finally could breathe without water in my lungs, I realized that something was decidedly wrong. It was dark, far too dark for how long it should have taken Em to get a condom and come back. This was night. This was me now alone in deep water. Alone. _Did I mention alone?_

"Emmett?" I called out, quieter than I had hoped but I was kind of in the beginnings of freaking out beyond compare.

I tread water, the only sound in the imposing darkness being the lapping of water as I moved it around and I squealed as a bird called high pitched and menacing from somewhere in the woodland.

If my heart could have beat any faster I'm sure it would have taken off or burst out of my chest.

Something was definitely wrong.

I heard a feminine giggle coming from the trees that surrounded the now freezing water. My nipples were so cold, if I wasn't so scared I would be afraid the puppies would freeze dry and drop off. The skin was stretched painfully against my chest and I . . . Sweet baby Jebus Bella Focus!

"Hello?" I called out, because lets face it, Emmett could be a girl when it came to certain things, but he didn't quite giggle that way.

This was beyond ridiculous. I really hoped the bastard wasn't trying to cash in on his birthday present early. I was all for the "experiment" but he knew I was the one who got to call the person, time and place.

"This really isn't fucking funny, I'm cold and I just wanna go back to camp."

The trees rustled ahead of me, and it took a second for my eyes to focus there was barely any light at all filtering through the canopy overhead. There ahead of me was Esme and Carlisle, poor Emmett's naked form was stood between them limp and groaning in pain.

"Hey Bella, fancy seeing you here," Carlisle purred. He stepped into the water fully dressed as Esme seemed to hold all of Emmett's weight -- What a brave woman.

"Yeah, not so much considering you told me where to find the place. What's wrong with Emmett?"

Carlisle smiled and waded further toward me. My feet were kicking furiously below me. I knew that at any moment he would reach the small drop off. I didn't have long to move and get a head start, but I knew I could probably out swim the old guy.

"He hit his head on a tree, we found him butt ass naked out in the woods."

I took a deep breath to defend Emmett but then shrugged, it was a perfectly viable explanation. It didn't mean I believed them though.

"Emmett?" I shouted out, my eyes still on the old blonde guy heading my way. "Baby, you okay?"

"He's fine, Bella. I can't promise he's going to stay that way though."

"Say what?" I mumbled, my teeth now chattering together in the cold water. That was another thing I fucking hated about the desert, it was colder than a bitch at night.

"Well we may need a snack for the road."

I was beginning to think I was dreaming, that maybe Emmett had slipped another roofie in my drink for kicks, and I was getting to the paranoid part of the show. "And how would Emmett come in handy? We're both broke, and if you think he can cook you're sorely mistaken."

Carlisle laughed, there was a maniacal edge to the sound as the water started rising up his waist to his midsection. "I told you she was funny, Esme. Just what Edward needs."

"Who the fuck is Edward? And why the fuck would he need Bella?" Emmett asked, his voice heavy with the grogginess.

"Oh Emmett, if only you'd stayed asleep!" Esme giggled sweetly, her hands running over his chest as she eyed fucked his dick. "Sadly though, you're awake and we can't let you get in the way."

In a blur she seemed to move around his body, he was moaning and groaning as she worked around him, and when she finally settled I could see her lips on his neck. Infuriating me further.

"You skank, get off my boyfriend."

Esme stayed where she was as Emmett's knees buckled under him. He slid to the floor with a slow groan, his body growing pale in the little light we had. Eventually, Esme threw her head back and giggle again, before pushing Emmett's limp form to the ground.

"What did you do?" I screamed, my body trembling with genuine panic. "Emmett? Emmett?"

I turned in the water and tried to swim from the man who was closing in on me now. I could hear him coming, the gentle splashes that seemed to echo my own. I sun around to make sure I had the advantage but he was gone.

If it hadn't have been for Esme's cackle from the shore I would have relaxed a little, but something told me that this was not the time for relaxing, that this was indeed the time for running, or swimming in my case.

Before I could even turn the full 180 degrees I felt a cold hand close around my ankle and pull me under water. I tried not to swallow water as I kicked and screamed, but it was useless. Whatever had me was much too strong.

When I finally broke the surface again I was in the arms of Carlisle as he carried me from the pond toward his psychotic wife who was giggling and dancing over Emmett like it was nothing. I struggled against the arms that caged me, but the stone like grip was almost too much, it was squeezing the life from me.

Dying naked in the middle of nowhere was not on mine or Emmett's five year plan.

"She's going to be perfect for Edward, darling," Esme cooed as she looked down at my naked form. Carlisle hummed his agreement and smirked as he lowered his lips to my shoulder.

"Don't let me get carried away, love," he mumbled, his cold breath now dancing at the skin of my neck as I tried with all my might to thrash in his arms.

"I won't."

Searing pain seemed to filter straight into my bloodstream as his lips met my neck, the fire burned through my veins like lava, dragging me toward the bliss of an unconsciousness that would never come.

**~-~-~*~-~-~**

"We're damned after all.  
Through fortune and flame we fall.  
And if you can stay then I'll show you the way,  
To return from the ashes you crawl"

_**MCR – Mama**_

aka

**Boo & Weezy theme song…**

**~-~-~*~-~-~**

***edit* 4th January** - This WILL be continued.. we had too much fun with Evil Vamp Carlisle and his brand of crazy so STAY TUNED...


	2. Bella Boo Where Are You?

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, but Kellmett Belongs to Boo and Jazzilla belongs to Weezy. Lets face it, Steph didn't write about what's in their pants so they kinda belong to us.**

**So for further warning…****  
****Don't drink liquids while reading, may end up on screen...**

**Pee before you read...**

**Sit back, relax, put the kiddies in front of Sesame Street or Yo Gabba Gabba..**

***EPIC TRUMPET FANFARE***

***Flourishing bow and wave as we sidestep off stage....*.**

**~-~-~*~-~-~**

"Mama, we all go to hell.  
Mama, we all go to hell.  
It's really quite pleasant  
Except for the smell,  
Mama, we all go to hell"

_**MCR – WE SALUTE YOU! SHAAAWIIING!**_

_**~-~-~*~-~-~**_

**Bella Boo Where Are You?**

**--Emmett--**

Mother Fucker! Every inch of my fucking body felt like I had been hit by a Peterbilt and drug halfway across the country while being fucked in the ass by a donkey. To say I felt like shit was a major understatement, and I was going to kill the bitch that hit me.

There I was, fumbling for a rubber, and the next thing I know blunt trauma to the head. Then I'm writhing on the goddamn floor feeling as though molten lava is flowing through my veins.

I ran my hand over my stomach toward my morning wood, but stopped immediately. There was something wrong here. And not just the "no, I should restrain myself" wrong, this was more "who the fuck's body is my head attached to?" because it sure as shit wasn't mine. I know I didn't have a ripped six pack when I was knocked out, so how the fuck did I have one now?

"Bella?"

My voice echoed around the small area of trees and bounced off the body of water as the crickets and other fucking bugs stamped around like a herd of fucking elephants. Who knew the little fuckers could be so loud?

I thought about standing up, and wouldn't you know the moment I made the decision there I was on my feet with a mouth like a witch's cooter. Dry and fucking dusty as shit.

I smacked my lips together, feeling thirsty as all fuck and suddenly glad that Bella's little sexcapade had taken us somewhere where the water was relatively clean looking. And plentiful because the way my throat was aching, I'd drain that fucker dry all on my own without needing a moment to breath.

"Bells, baby? Are you taking a shit in the woods or something?" I chuckled, scaring a few birds from the nearby trees with how loud my guffaws echoed in the grotto.

I looked around in the mottled daylight and shook my head, trying to clear some of the cobwebs of last night from my mind and coming up trumps. Lumbering over to the pond, I bent down close, cupping my hands into the clear waters and sighing because even the fucking water here was warm to my touch. I lifted a good handful to my lips and chugged that fucker down, but fuck me did it taste nasty. I ended up spluttering and coughing most of that shit up just as soon as it disappeared down my esophagus.

"Fucking poison, and there we were swimming in it and about to add to the mix with bodily fluids," I muttered mostly to myself seeing as my girl was still nowhere in sight... or sound. Which honestly was a little worrying as Bella was always loud, she fell over thin air half the time. Put it this way, if she was a cat, we wouldn't need to put a bell around her neck to know where the fuck she was at all times.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, pissed off that I still had this mother fuck of an aching thirst like we'd been drinking straight vodka all night. Maybe we did, maybe we fucked and I finally got my nut off in this god-forsaken desert that had done nothing but piss off my girl and basically cause her legs to be closed so tightly I was sure I'd need one of those Jaws of Life things that rescue workers use to pry them apart. After the two days of nothing but "no" and "roll over fat boy, you're getting nothing" made me seriously reconsider why I had pushed for us to come here in the first place.

No band, no matter how much I worshiped at their drummer's feet for his all-knowing awesomeness was worth my wick not getting dipped over and over again. The heat here was cockblocking at its finest. Though today didn't seem as bad. Maybe it was because I was naked or maybe it had finally cooled the fuck down here under the immense shade the surrounding trees and high rock walls provided us.

"Babe, you know how I always liked the idea of being a nudist, but um, where the fuck are you and where are our clothes?"

There was still no fucking answer. Was she punishing me for my earlier stunt which had her all hot and fucking horny? She damn near jumped my bones there in the water. I should have fucking let her, I needed to blow a load like nobody's business. Preferably in my girl . . . and I wasn't going to be particular about whatever orifice was on offer either.

Fuck waiting around, I was getting fucking paranoid and needed something to stop my nutsack shriveling like a pair of fucking prunes. I rubbed the boys gently, and oddly they felt sturdier than normal.

My dick seemed to like the feeling of Palmela! It twitched and stretched as my fingers ran up my shaft. I was naked, may as well take advantage of that. It wasn't as though Bella was around to relieve the epic case of blue balls I had suffered earlier.

I let my fingers close around my hard cock and pumped slowly. My head fell back on my shoulders as the tingling ran down my shaft and into my body. It felt too goddamn good. Especially when I ran my thumb over Mr. Mushroom Head.

"Stop it, Dennis. Vill you be patient!"

The voice pulled me from my self service bliss and I found myself growling at the sound that was so close yet so far away. It seemed during my unconsciousness I had turned into some juggernaut of distance or some shit. They were only about two hundred feet away and I knew how long it would take them to get to where I was.

I guess getting hit upside the head wasn't always a bad thing. Better than getting bitten by some stupid spider. Spiders gave me the heebyjeebies anyway, fucker wouldn't have a chance to bite me, I'd stomp it into oblivion.

The closer they came the thirstier I became. Something akin to drool was gathering in the back of my throat. It was like smelling a really fucking good burger. Oh fuck me . . . A Wendy's triple burger with bacon and extra cheese . . . God dammit my dick was standing to attention and my nuts were saluting the thought.

I found myself moving toward the warmth that I could smell in the air. Yeah smell, it was fucking weird but I was going with it!

"Olga, don't you think this is far enough? Sven won't come this far in, and he's passed out so you can head out early."

I moved through the trees, dick swinging free. It was more liberating than I like to admit, but only part of me was concentrating on the motion of my semi stiffy, everything else seemed to be concentrating on that delicious smell that seemed to be pulling me forward like a fucking freight train through the foliage.

Even though it was dark I could see everything pretty clearly. It seemed that Bella was wrong, and eating carrots did, in fact, make you see better. Old wives tale my ass.

I could see the two figures up ahead now and switched my direction, circling around them like some stealthy fucker. The guy's back was to me, he was following the blonde chick through the trees as she trotted forward like a pony on crack, her ass jiggling like a water bed. She looked like JLo, only blonde, pale and double the ass.

The drool shit was now dripping out of the side of my mouth as I stepped forward and grabbed the guy. My hands gripped his head and twisted so fast that he had no time to react, he just fell at my feet in a big snotty heap leaving me wondering what the fuck I was doing.

"Dennis?"

I was standing butt ass naked in the middle of the forest with a dead guy at my feet and for some stupid reason I answered. This was a whole new level of stupid, even for me.

"No," I said, feeling my hunger scratching at my stomach, growling wasn't the word for it, this was reaching out.

The chick spun on her heel and looked at me closely. I stepped forward a little, and over the body, cuz the bitch obviously hadn't been eating her carrots. Her eyes moved up and down my body as she drank in my form, her eyes lingering on my now half mast dick. Her eyes widened and her tongue dancing across her lip.

"You're naked."

"Really? I had no idea."

"Vell you are, just look at yourselve."

My throat was like sandpaper on balls. I found myself taking another step toward her, it was like instinct or some shit.

"I think you're doing enough looking for the both of us!" I quipped.

"You are very 'andsome," she flicked her hair over her shoulder and that was all she wrote, the little space on her neck seemed to throb with her pulse and before I could swallow the drool my teeth sank into her neck like a hot knife through butter.

Her blood oozed down my throat instantly making me feel better as it moved over the harshness of the sandpaper feeling. I couldn't seem to stop, and before I knew it I was sucking on empty. Slight noises like a straw sucking at a drained glass seemed to fill the air around me as I dropped her body to the ground.

What the FUCK was that?

This was fan-fucking-tastic, I was in the middle of the woods with Swedish hippy stuck in my teeth, feeling great about it. Donner party, plus one anybody? The worst thing was I didn't hate it! She tasted like Swedish meat balls.

Yet still, my throat ached like a bitch but at least it felt a little less raw now. I felt pretty good actually, like I could take on the world or some stupid cliche like that. Until I looked down at my feet and realized I'd pretty much killed two people. Drained them dry even.

Bella would be _pissed._

No nookie for me. For a very, _very_ long time.

Fuck.

And what the hell was I going to do with two bodies? It's not like I religiously watched those CSI type shows like Bella did. I was so fucked. I looked around using my far superior (thanks to the carrots) night vision and looked for somewhere to hide these rapidly cooling bodies. Then it occurred to me, the pond! The pond was obviously off somewhere, who knows maybe someone else planted a body in there a while ago and that's why it tasted so foul. Well, it was the only option I had until I could figure out a) where my girl was and b) why the fuck my mouth tasted like a sandpit and burnt like I'd gotten some type of venereal disease in there.

Which in all honesty couldn't happen because the only girl I'd ever done anything with was _my _girl. The one I couldn't find. All the more reason to get rid of these human versions of IKEA flat packs and be on my merry way to find her.

And clothes.

Shame Dennis was a scrawny dude. Could have been a little more helpful.

I picked up both bodies and slung them over one shoulder as I made my way rather soundlessly through the woods. Finally those ballet lessons Bella made me take with her for her "balance issues" appeared to be working! Like a lynx I moved, getting back to the water in what I thought was pretty good timing, like I thought about where I wanted to be and within a blink or two I was there. Now to get rid of the evidence.

I threw the guy then the girl (because really, a girl should _always _be on top) and watched as they sank, only to bob back to the sparkling surface like apples in a barrel. This would not do. What do they do in those mafia movies?

Right! I picked up all the rocks I could around the shoreline and started filling their clothes with them, moving in and out of the water until they were finally starting to stay under more than on top. I still wasn't sure that they wouldn't rise again, so I continued throwing rocks from the edge of the water on top of where I knew they were making their descent. After a few minutes I turned to survey my handiwork and fuck me...

Do you think anyone would notice the giant cairn* sitting ringed by water in the middle of a grotto? Surely not.

Right?

Like I gave a shit, by the time someone came back here I would be long gone. At least I hoped I would be. Had she taken the Kombi and fucked off leaving me alone and completely buck ass naked?

Oh now I got it!

I made my way through the shrubbery, kicking away the obvious nut cutters. I was following noise that sounded like music, like the festival but I actually walked past it. I backed up a couple steps and it was loud and in front of me, I stepped forward and it sounded like it was behind me. I spent about twenty fucking minutes stepping forward and backwards before I decided enough was enough and follow my nose instead.

The same delicious smell seemed to be closer now and my throat was feeling more and more like I had been sucking satan's dick. The closer the smell, the more painful the burn, but I didn't have time to look for a fucking fire extinguisher, I had to find some jocks and my van, and my girl. Not in that order, but clothes would be good.

I broke out through the line of trees and my feet hit the sand. It felt like that corn starch stuff Bella and I would sometime use during sex. It was soft and powdery. Even the tiny rocks felt like those spongy little spikes on the dildo that Bella like to shove up my . . . it was soft.

My eyes seemed to make quick work of the open space that only had a few things lingering in within it. I could have sworn the festival was here and it was five days. We'd only been here two. Money scheming fuckers running in the night.

There weren't many campers left hanging around, but there mine stood like a beacon of light, the green and blue with cartoon flowers, and the well known "The Mystery Machine" scrawled on the side called out to me. Without even considering someone seeing my naked ass running through the desert I ran to the sanctity of my Ode to Scoob and pressed my face against the cool metal.

"Oh my shaggin wagon, I am home, Daddy's home. But where's my Daphne?"

I pulled open the door, my arms spread wide, my dick hanging free. "Hey Honey, I'm Ho-me."

The shag was empty, and when I say that I mean that, I could see right down into the pile of the shag carpet and there was nothing. Not even a hair. No Bella. All her bags were there, so were mine but she was gone. What THE FUCK was I missing here? I pulled on some khaki shorts and pulled the door shut again.

Seeing as the old hippy couple had been in the clearing I decided I would start my search there. I marched toward where they had been parked and there was nothing. They'd already packed up and gone. I needed Bella to help me find Bella, I wasn't good at this shit and she knew it!

I got closer to where they'd set up camp and I could smell Bella. It was the same smell I remembered from being cuddled up to her spooning, my nose in her hair. That was the only time I smelled it though, I normally didn't notice that shit.

"Bella?"

"She left with that couple, dude, she was all passed out. I think she was high, man."

I swirled around to the Wendy smelling human and glared at him, trying to resist snacking on him while I tried to decipher his strange hippy code.

"Se habla Inglés?"

The guy frowned and I stepped forward. His heart pounded in his chest and I was starting to think he was about to have a heart attack it was way too loud to be normal.

"Chill."

"You what?"

"You said they took her?"

"Yeah, dude, she was all . . ." He made his body limp wafting his smell toward me. "And they were all . . ." he tiptoed doing some weird shit with his arms. "I was like whoa!"

We stared at one another for a second, drool was making a puddle in my mouth. The Wendy's smelling dude stared at me some more.

"You had like way too much 'dro dude, your eyes are like whoa!"

"What the fuck is _whoa_?"

The guy chuckled, his shoulders making way too much movement, making me drool.

"Red, man."

"Thanks tinker bell! How about you skedaddle before I get hungry again."

The guy shrugged and turned around to walk away. "Oh, hey."

"Yeah?"

"Where's Wendy's?" I asked now that the craving was making my mouth feel like hades and at any moment I would implode.

"The burger joint?"

"Yeah!"

"No clue man, I'm a vegetarian."

Fucking vegetarians.

I turned back to the Scoob mobile and was just about to get in, when the wind changed.

And fuck me, if that Wendy's smell got any stronger I'd think that some fucker was hiding a Baconator - _Sniiffff - _ no strike that, a Baconator TRIPLE around here somewhere...

I spun around so fast and was on the smell before I even realized I had the hippy dude in my hands, teeth sunk into his neck and that the Baconator smell was.. actually him. _So much for being a vegetarian._ Nobody tastes like the best burger in the world without having eaten it at least once. And mother of fuck didn't he taste absolutely magnificent going down.

I may have pressed a little too hard on his greasy dread covered head at one point, splitting the fucker from his neck like a knife in an overripe watermelon. The accidental move caused the blood flow from his barely beating heart to spurt in thick gelatinous ribbons arcing into the night sky. I pursed my lips about the torn vein like a straw and sucked the sweet nectar like it was ice cold pop on a hot summer's day. Damn did he taste good and the burn in my throat was once again sated.

I dropped the now empty vessel to the ground and wiped the mess of blood from my mouth. Holy shit, that's three ... people I've now sucked dry. I'm going to hell. Bella is never going to understand this... fuck even _I_ don't even understand this. At least I'll have "Knows how to hide a body efficiently" on my resume when I have to join some biker gang or something after this.

I had better because I am far too pretty to end up in jail. No way would I be interesting in being someone's bitch, or getting some dude named Bear to be mine either. I like the pussy, I love the pussy, I don't wanna _be _nobody's pussy.

Scanning the dark park area, I could make out a tree half pushed over, probably some type of accident with one of the vans parked out here. Without a second's extra thought, I had the hippy (who no longer smelled like anything tasty) under my arm like a football and was throwing him down into the hole like a touchdown.

I may or may not have done a little victory dance at how well he fit into said hole.

Whatever the hell magical properties that grotto Bella had found were in one way weird (I ate people.. huh?) and in others fucking A grade awesome, because I could pick up the tree and jam it straight back in place, right above the hippy. Which is kind of poetic when you think about it. Like replanting a tree above his body as some type of ultimate life giving compost.

_I may have just helped save the world . . . one tree at a time._

Now that I sufficiently freaked myself out with my uber strength and apparant blood lust. I do believe it's time to get the hell out of here before I find some new X men-ish power like reading peoples minds or some shit. _Ha, like that's even a power!_

What the fuck did the old fogies want with Bella and where the fuck would they take her?

Think Emmett!

Wouldn't you know I did! But it wasn't exactly what I had been expecting! My mind seemed to run off into twenty simultaneous thoughts, the most prevalent being Bella's tits. I missed Bella's tits, I couldn't sleep without Bella's tits to cushion my head, and the fuckers had stolen that from me. The second thought was going through the conversations I'd had with Mr. & Mrs Strange trying to find any clues in what they'd said. Unfortunately my brain had processed them as "Blah, blah blah blah. Blah blah, burger, blah blah." Not helpful at all!

They weren't even real burgers, the fuckers were vegans. They were tofu burgers that tasted like ass on bread, with a side of fungus. I mean shroom fries? What the fuck were they thinking?

Mushrooms! Fuck me something came to me! They picked the fuckers in the forest by their house in Washington. I remembered that because I was considering going to get some of the magic kind that they had warned us about. I wasn't sure what would be magic but fuck it was worth it.

I ran to the Scoob mobile and hopped in, grabbing the spare keys from the glove box, cuz I could never find my fucking keys and Bella was the queen bitch of good ideas and bought this little box that hid under the . . . Focus!

I turned the key and the Mystery Machine spluttered to life, I needed to get an oil change at some point. Not to mention topping up the fluids and the wipers liquid because all this sand made for one hazy windshield.

I slammed on the gas and the van shuddered and then shot forward. I pushed a button on the radio and wouldn't you know it, Bon Jovi became my companion on this long journey, Dead or Alive wailed from the speakers I'd hooked in the back for accompanying the shagging in the shag.

"Imma Cowboy, on a steeeeel Horse I riiiiide . . ."

I pulled out onto the freeway, the smooth asphalt humming along as I began feeling more and more wired. I looked down at the clock and realized that it wouldn't be long till the sun came up. I turned my attention to the seat where Bella's purse was sat and started rifling through looking for my sunglasses because early morning on the horizon was killer.

When I finally looked up, the glasses in hand I fucking freaked. There was a little person in the road. She looked like a fucking fairy or some shit. I stomped on the brakes as hard as I could so I wouldn't hit her, but the traction wasn't there and I slid along the asphalt the tires screaming like Bella did when I stuck in the wrong hole that time.

"Oh FUUUUUCK!" My feet fell through the bottom of the van hitting the asphalt like Fred fucking Flintstone, and it was still too goddamn late.

Christ on a double glazed Krispy Kreme washed down with a triple chocolate thickshake, extra malt, what the fuck have I done?

**/end chapter two**

**~-~-~*~-~-~**

"We're damned after all.  
Through fortune and flame we fall.  
And if you can stay then I'll show you the way,  
To return from the ashes you crawl"

_**MCR – Mama**_

aka

**Boo & Weezy theme song…**

**~-~-~*~-~-~**

*1 Cairn - _is a manmade pile of stones, often in a conical form. Usually to signify a landmark or burial site _- I Wiki because I can

Plz to be leaving us love or hate =D


End file.
